Still standing.

img_20170110_164019_660Theology. Biblical studies. Passion of my life. I let it kinda slip for a while because I got too frustrated. Not with the subject itself, but with myself, and with what this disease did and is doing to my brain.

I have dreamed for such a long time of a PhD, and everytime someone pushed further their studies, I felt a pang of envy, and felt diminished myself. Because at 41 years, what have I accomplished? It feels like not much.

My measured IQ of 135 and 140 has always been my pride, and now there have been more and more times when I couldn’t remember even a single page of what I read, when capable of reading. Knitting together sermons was no small feat. Sometimes, just talking was a challenge. Translating became impossible, even though I’m capable of expressing myself in different languages – the jumping from one to another just didn’t work anymore, and the neuropsychiatrist confirmed that my working memory just didn’t work anymore. I felt worth less than those who have studied more, intimidated. And I don’t see myself picking up any studies in this field soon, even though I had plans to do so.

But, I have other plans now. I am looking to change what looks like a major setback into something transformative and positive. It is no use looking back and bemoaning what once was; I have much to look forward to, and whilst I may take three or four times as long to read a book now, I can still read it. And if I forget what I read – well, at least I’ll have a brand-new book to read for the second time. I won’t let this bear me down, no way. No way. I’m a rebel, forever.

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